"I love you to the moon and back."

It was like one moment it was all sparkles and gold bathed in the luxury of abundant love, and the next moment a varied mix of fucked up and bitter emotions without a single trace of even a soft, satisfied happiness in it. Sometimes I wonder, are we too proud to admit this was a mistake right from the beginning? Was it all just for the little taste of scurried lust?

Maybe every new beginning is just an illusion of leaving a lasting good impression, something which we will only know whether it is a genuine personality or just a faux persona over time. Maybe we all lie because the truth hurts and it is just so hard to deal with, a lacklustre certainty and reality that most people cannot accept. Maybe we hold on to something so tightly and dearly because we are afraid that something so great would not happen twice, forgetting that the tighter we hold the more asphyxiating it gets.

But alas, whether it was a gesture to impress, lies to conceal our pain or a shame of a pessimistic view on life, if someone is willing to stay and go through this journey of existential love and catalytic sorrows, he is a keeper. Nothing in this world worth having comes easy, for the easy stuff isn't all that rewarding. I love you x.

Chapter 2014: 001/365

I am in love with the most amazing man. It is true what they say that the best love story is when you fall in love with the most unexpected person at the most unexpected time. What started with plainly a one-night stand and consciously telling each other to not fall in love became a love for stories and songs.

Smoke, don't.

Don't smoke. Don't smoke because you will slowly burn yourself out from the inside, chasing away your soul, your beauty, and youth. Don't smoke. Don't smoke because when you hold someone's hand they shouldn't have to feel like they're holding the hand of your corpse. Smelling like death and pesticides you will stand alone in this world wondering how you ever got here, and cigarette clenched between your fingers a girl will pass by and wonder if she could love you. Love the stench of depression you breathe into her mouth when you kiss. And she would pass by, knowing the constant reminder of your self medicated death would be too soon for her. And you would wait in the dark, smoking that cigarette, wondering why you are so damn lonely when really you do know. It's because you gave up on everybody long ago, and eventually they gave up on you. Not because they didn't care, but they cared too much to see you destroy something they couldn't protect.

Would you?

If I got down on my knees and told you I was yours forever, would you get down on yours too and take my hand? Would we get that old time feeling? Would we laugh and talk for hours the way we did when our love first began? Would you tell me that you've missed me too and that you've been so lonely and you've waited for the day that I returned? Would we live in love forever and that I'm your one and only?


Or would you say the tables finally turned?

Word

"Right now I want a word that describes the feeling you get - a cold, sick feeling deep down inside - when you know something is happening that will change you, and you don’t want it to, but you can’t stop it. And you know, for the first time, for the very first time, that there will now be a before and an after, a was and a will be. And that you will never again be quite the person you were."